This is my now
I have had a wide range of emotion today. From denial and anger to the deepest pain I've ever felt. It feels personal...even though I know it is not. It feels like I'm now on the outside looking in...even though I know I am not. It feels like I've been abandoned...even though I know that is not true. Feelings and reality conflict sometimes. But one thing I've learned in life is to make sure I focus on what is real and true and good. And I am doing just that.
I let myself ask the question "why" this morning...and after about an hour of this, I realized, I wasn't going to get the answer (unless I started to hear voices telling me why and let's face it...THAT would be a bigger problem than just losing a job). I'm done asking why. Instead, I am choosing to focus on what is next.
Through all of this, I've never for a second doubted God or His plan for my life. He's taken me on a wild ride so far but I know that each situation I've faced, each hardship I've dealt with...I've come out on the other side being better, stronger and closer to Him. Right now is no different.
I'm not going to be angry (or try not to... let's face it, I am indeed human), I refuse to be bitter and I refuse to lose hope. I have so many wonderful things in my life and I'm proud of what I have done and how far I've come.
So what's next for me? Well, I am still going to marry the most incredible man in the entire world. I am going to be the absolute best Mom I can be for Dawson. And I'm going to take some time to breathe. I don't think I've done that in a while. Maybe this is God's way of forcing me to rest....he knows I can be stubborn and not do it on my own. :)
Thank you to all my family and friends who have shown me love and support today. Keep the prayers coming. The hurt isn't gone yet...but I know that it is only a temporary emotion and that soon enough, I'll have successfully picked myself back up, dusted myself off and will be able to look back and smile. God always has a plan. I know that now more than anything.
God is still good.
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